life's a mess

Dear Sumire,

Just when I thought I'm one step closer to my dreams, i felt like I'm being dragged miles away from it. I thought I was so sophisticated, but now I feel simplistic.

Life is like a paper boat rocking in the middle of the very vast ocean. We don't know what's ahead of us, and we don't know what had just gone past us. We don't know what's about to come, or have the worst gone past us yet.

Rocking and rocking in the middle of the ocean, with no sense of direction. We're only as fragile as the wet paper boat, when will we be crushed?

Life makes us wonder "Will we ever find the promised land?" Like Moses' men wandering in the deserts, maybe in 40 years we might.

That's life.

jin

the policeman came and killed the two dead boys

This is officially the spookiest poem I'd ever read. Enjoy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,

I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about;

The Admission is free, so pay at the door,

Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,

Two dead boys got up to fight;

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,

A mute man came to shout "Horray!"

A deaf policeman heard the noise and

Came to stop those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,

In a two-story house on a vacant lot;

A man with no legs came walking by,

and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,

into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned;

The long black hearse came to cart him away,

But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,

The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;

But if you doubt my lies are true,

Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

I learned about the poem after watching 'The Haunting in Connecticut". Quite a spooky movie. Not the best, but worth a watch. :-)

jin

You will not deserve the second chance

I’d tried to be as positive as I am. And if you’re telling me I’m not trying hard enough, then I will let you hear me say, “Fuck you.”

I regretted doing many things in my life. I tried to change. But life can be very unforgiving. Life is a one way road, and you can never change what you did in the pass.

Never do any wrong thing in your life. You will not deserve the second chance. Once you err, you’re faulty for life. If anyone told you that they’re giving you a second chance, they’re lying straight to your face. You’re not allowed to love, to befriend, to be loved.

Never do anything wrong with your life. Your loved ones will suffer. They will be haunted by the ghosts of your pass. They will forever live in the grasp of suffering as long as they love you. They’ll never be free until you’re gone.

Never do anything wrong in your life. You may be judged even before the judgment day. You will face the eyes of the world. They will despise you, they care not if you’re a changed soul. A damned soul is a damned soul.

To those who’d make mistakes in life. Congratulations. You earned your ticket to hell.

Let me wish you this: “Fuck you, and welcome to my life.”

jin

my fRee faLL

I free fall
Like jumping off the cliff
Wondering what to expect
When the fall finally ends

Soft cushion of flowers, or
Slow flowing rivers, or
Cold hard bed of stone?

But nothing seems to last forever
And I am surprise
By how things can change

Flowers turn to thorns
Cut my skin
And bruised my heart

Calm rivers suddenly run wild
I’m washed away
Drowned in my own sorrow

And if I ever fall on a bed of stone
And if I could only wish
I wish that the stone will be kind to me
Crumble into a sea of sand
And let me rest in peace
In its warm and tender coating

decisioN

Life is about making decisions.
But making decision is cruel and ridiculous.

You let opportunities slipped away –
Shit happens.
You live with it.

You made the wrong decisions –
Shit happens.
You live with it.

You lay dormant and decided not to decide –
Shit happens.
You live with it.

Life is cruel.
Life is all about making cruel decisions.
It is ridiculous because there’s no correct decision.
Shit happens all the time.
And you'd to live with it.

iNsiGniFicaNt

Imagine this:
A man sat quietly under the blazing moon,
Sweating all over in front of an burning bush,
Shivering so hard he hurt his jaw,
But all this would make no sense to you.

Now imagine this:
A man sat quietly under the full bloom moon,
Shivers a little as the breeze blows by,
Warming his body with a hot cup of tea,
But still nothing in my writings make any sense to you.


I am without reasons writing a few nonsense lines,
Just to knock some sense into your head and mine,
You can try to satisfy the world and give them what they want,
Or you can just satisfy yourself by becoming what you really want.

After all, no matter what you do,
You’re insignificant to others,
And make no sense to them.

i tHinK

I think I’m delusional.
I cannot believe what’s happening to my life right now.
What I thought to be impossible became partial reality.
And I’m totally lost in this havoc heart of mine.

I think I’m crazy.
I cannot believe how I react to my emotions right now.
I laugh, I cry, I smile, that I frowned.
And I’m totally unsure what I’m feeling right down.

I think I’m flying.
I cannot believe how high I am right now.
But I’m afraid I’ll wake up from this dream someday.
Afraid that I’ll fall down crashing and crush my head.

I want to believe that it’s true.
I want to laugh, and smile and cry some happy tears.
I want to believe that this dream is real.
To wake up and see and smell this dream in reality.

tHe gaTe

I walked in the woods for so long now.
Then I see a huge rusty gate in front of my eyes.

The gate is built well, tall and high.
I pushed it once, it won’t budge. I push it yet again, but still it didn’t move one inch.
This gate is tough and strong.

I looked and examined the gate in every way I can.

The gate is humongous. It is decorated with beautiful engravings.
There are even decorative statues sitting on each side of the gate.

On the right side of the gate, a statue of an angel is calmly sitting playing his harp.
His harp is broken, and the angel’s head is covered with mud.
But as I looked closer, the muds are all coming from the eyes of the angel.
Suddenly, I felt that my heart is wrapped in sorrow.

A gargoyle sat on the left of the rusty gate.
Its wings spread wide; an exaggerated grin is carved on its face.
I couldn’t bare its piercing burning stare.
I suffocate only by looking at it.

On the top of the gate lays the words that reads ‘Amour, d'amitié et de la misère’. None of these words make sense to me, but such an instinct tells me that these words are significant to me. These words mirrored my life.

I try to peep over to see what the world is about to offer me at the other side of the gate.
I see a lake with swans swimming in it.
I see a garden so wonderful that it sparkles.
I see children happily playing on the other side of the gate.
I try to shake the gigantic gate as hard as I can.
I long to join their chatter and laughter.

But it was only then I realize my hands are bleeding.
I can see rust in my wounds.
But it does not hurt.
My heart hurts much more than the rusty mortal wound.

The paradise before my eyes is merely a mirage.
The garden, the children are gone.
The lake, the swans are gone.

All’s left is the gate of ‘Amour, d'amitié et de la misère’.

wiTheR anD diE

Not a candle in my heart,
My heart is dark.

Not a voice inside my heart,
My heart is silent.

Not whole,
My heart is bleeding.

Not truthful to myself,
My heart is lying.

Not faithful to myself,
My heart is crying.

My heart is crying.
My heart is dying.

Nobody’s listening.
Nobody sees.

No one would wants to know
How a sorrowful heart cries.

Maybe everybody thinks,
That heart deserves to wither and die.

i caRe

It’s been almost a month now.

All I wanted her to know is that even when we’re no longer together, I still care. How many couples in this world can still be friends even after break-ups? One in a thousand break-ups? Then let mine be the one because I do care. I really do care.

Let me care.

But she won’t let me. She frowns. She became one with negativity. She fell into a deep hole. And she’d no intention of getting out. She is falling deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole.

She told me I can’t be of any help. I cannot change a thing.

Even if I care,

I can only stand by watching as she fell.

A damn useless friend indeed.

i canNoT coMpLy

Sometimes I simply cannot comply with expectations people set up upon me.

Sometimes I simply cannot comply with the way people looked at me.

Sometimes I simply hate the way people talk to me.

Sometimes I simply hate my own temper, the explosion inside of me.

I hate complexity.

I hate hypocrisy.

I simply hate everything that goes against me.

I was furious.

I was angry.

I was.

I will now channel everything back to them.

Fucking hypocrites,

Show me more moral complexity if you can.

Look at the sarcastic smile carved on my face meant for all of you.

I care no more.

haRd anD coLd

I used to wonder sometimes why people turned hard and cold.
Then I heard people talking about: Disappointment.

Then I wonder why people get disappointed.
Then I heard people runts about: Unfulfilled expectations.

Then I tried to find the word that suits people that are disappointed with unfulfilled expectations, hard and cold, but I couldn’t find the proper word.

These cruel people don’t care about the people who cared for them. These vengeful people only want others to feel the sad world of disappointment they lived in. These sadists are so extremely cruel that they actually feel good when others starts to feel like them.

In the end, nothing matters to them. The reality remains: They are only heartless beings which are hard and cold.